Understanding the “Self” in Self-Sabotage

The illiterate of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read and write, but those who cannot learn, unlearn and relearn.

Alvin Toffler

After nearly twelves months of covid-19 we are all familiar with adaptability and resilience. We’ve pivoted, we’ve adapted, we’ve come back stronger. We see the value of staying open minded and are generally willing to unlearn and relearn our way to stronger skills. Yet, the struggle of creating real, lasting change in ourselves remains stubbornly real. We have a theory about why that is.

One of our biggest blocks to change is our own identity.

As Adaptas continues to work with individuals and groups to facilitate mental wellbeing through effective habit change, we have noticed a trend. It seems that for most people, the main obstacle to successful change is the way they see themselves, or in other words, their identity. To understand this more fully, let’s look at an imaginary individual named Jane.

Jane is serious about her new years resolution this year. She is going to shed her excess weight and start looking after herself. This means healthier eating, regular workouts, and taking up running. For real this time. The problem is, in setting this goal, Jane has not considered how her identity could get in the way. Alongside many other aspects of her identity, Jane sees herself as a person who always puts other people first, who struggles with motivation, and as someone who strongly dislikes running.

Identity is a cognitive shortcut for decision making.

Our brain uses our identity as a cognitive shortcut to speed up decision making. If we see ourselves as someone who is not athletic, then it’s a no-brainer to say no to joining the lunch football team at work. If we are someone who always puts other people first, then it’s a no-brainer to say yes to babysitting our sister’s kid even though we have a zoom workout class to attend. Or, if we are someone who hates running, then it’s a no-brainer to decide we don’t have it in us to run today. Even if we have set a goal to do so.

You can probably see where this is going. Even though Jane is serious about her goals, her identity will continue to “assist” her in making choices that don’t align with her goals. She is likely to prioritize other people and leave herself with little to no energy to exercise or change her eating habits. She is likely to take every moment she doesn’t feel motivated as proof that she isn’t good enough, and she’s likely to avoid choosing to run because someone who hates running doesn’t choose to run very often. As a result of all of this, Jane is not likely to make great progress towards her goals and eventually give up, leaving her feeling frustrated and confused as to why she can’t make these changes happen for herself.

Can we re-learn who we are?

So, the question seems to be – can we unlearn and relearn who we are? This is a step further and deeper than unlearning and relearning information. It involves challenging the very foundations of what we value and know about ourselves. What makes this especially challenging is the fact that unhelpful identities can speak up loudly in their own defence. “You have to put other people first to be a good person!” Proclaims our inner people pleaser. “Running is horrible, I’m saving you from discomfort!” Says our inner running-hater.

Separate. Assess. Shift.

The key is to separate yourself from these identities. They are part of you, but they don’t define you. Carol Dweck’s Growth Mindset tells us it is always possible to change ourselves, if we are willing to apply strategic effort. In this case, this means intentionally deciding on a new identity and effortfully building a relationship with that new identity as you work towards your goal.

If Jane was to do this, she might decide to become the type of person who sees value in putting her needs first more of the time. Or, someone who doesn’t rely on motivation to take action, and who is learning to enjoy running. In doing so, she would start to create a new set of short cuts for her brain. It will begin to seem like a no-brainer to say no when she doesn’t have the time or energy, to stop worrying about her motivation levels, and to choose to get outside and run more often.

We need to practice recognising our identities, understanding how they align or don’t align with our goals, and consciously shifting those identities. If we can do this, then we will be one important step closer to successful change and, as we now know very clearly, change is a key skill for the future.

The Necessity of Learning and Embracing Change

Updated July 27th 2023

Do you know what the workplace of the future will look like?
I don’t, but I do however know one thing, it will be very different to the workplaces we see nowadays.

Many would argue that more changes have taken place in the world of how we work in the past 5-10 years than had in the previous 100 years. There is new technology, new approaches to management & new roles in the workplace than ever could have been imagined in the past.

I was present at a talk Bob Savage, MD and Vice President of EMC Ireland, gave at a recent conference (National Stakeholders Conference on Science Education).

EMC Ireland in Cork is their largest manufacturing site outside the US, spanning 600,000 square feet, with 28 business functions and 44 nationalities on site speaking 26 languages. Bob leads this Centre of Excellence’s team of highly skilled people serving the global market. Bob said, “the ability to build relationships with customers, to relate to others, is one of the differentiators for employees and companies of the future. Another differentiator is a culture which encourages people to have an openness and ability to transform their skills, with a compulsion towards life-long learning”. Many people don’t see their job as a place to learn. However, in another interview Bob did last year, he was asked what he looked for in people working for EMC. He said, “The ICT area is a fast moving environment and people need to be able to handle and embrace change.” He also mentioned that he looks for a team of dynamic players and career minded people with integrity and passion who think outside the box.

Therefore, the more responsibility we take to learn within and outside the workplace, the better our chances for success are. If you have read previous articles we have written, you will know that we see one big happy connection between learning, change and relating to others. In my mind, learning in the workplace is best looked at with a sense of wonder. The wonder at the extent of endless possibilities that could be explored when we are open to change and willing to challenge how things have always been done.

What’s more, this is further charged with more possibilities because everything we learn at work about embracing change and relating to others and ourselves, can feed into our personal lives, creating even more positive relationships with our family and friends for example. John Henry Newman once said, “To live is to change, and to be perfect is to have changed often.” And well, if Bob and I agree with him, then he must be right 😉

Have You Ever Attempted or Considered Giving Up Anything?

Updated July 25th 2023

Ever heard ‘it takes 21 days to change a habit’?

I think I can safely say, that for most of us, most of the time, when we endeavour to do the 21 days, to cut out the unwanted or adopt the new healthier behaviour, we generally give up as quickly as we started! Never mind 21 days, we usually stop after just a few days. It is so difficult for us to change a habit, and even the most committed, focused and disciplined of us struggle.

For those of you who are about to embark on a change of habit I have some harsh news for you. It actually takes on average 66 days for new behaviours to become unchangingly automatic. Worse than that, research shows that it can take some people up to 245 days to change a habit!

The good news is that change is possible, when you know how! Recent discoveries in neuroscience have made some amazing discoveries about the ability to learn, change and adapt.

Ever heard the saying ‘“neurons that fire together, wire together”? This refers to the fact that we have cells called neurons within our brains and nervous systems, that are responsible for everything we do. Neurons link up with each other and form strong bonds based on your experiences, emotions, thoughts, interactions with your environment, etc.

Think of it like this; ever hear a piece of music and it reminds you of a certain time in your life, certain person/people, certain clothes, smells, sensations etc? This happens because there was some bit of neuronal wiring, that when the music activated one area of your brain, there was a cascade of electrical impulses to the surrounding neurons. Due to proximity of the neurons, the memories were triggered.

The term ‘brain plasticity’, refers to the lifelong ability of the brain to re-organize neural pathways based on new experiences. We can actually re-wire our brain by choosing what we expose ourselves to. And therefore, habits are possible to break.

Tune in next week if you’d like to learn how to change habits. But before you do that have a think about this; when we think of habits, we think of smoking, couch hogging (i.e. not exercising), eating unhealthily, gambling, checking and re-checking emails or social media pages, to name a few. If you are one of the lucky ones who has none of these vices, do you think you might have other habits that are not serving you well?

For example, how about not recognising the efforts of your colleagues, or not responding to phonecalls, or not implementing the step-by-step instructions you learnt at that staff training you attended?

Ah yes! Light bulb moment?

As I say, have a think and tune in next week.

Understanding the “Self” in Self-Sabotage