Understanding the “Self” in Self-Sabotage

The illiterate of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read and write, but those who cannot learn, unlearn and relearn.

Alvin Toffler

After nearly twelves months of covid-19 we are all familiar with adaptability and resilience. We’ve pivoted, we’ve adapted, we’ve come back stronger. We see the value of staying open minded and are generally willing to unlearn and relearn our way to stronger skills. Yet, the struggle of creating real, lasting change in ourselves remains stubbornly real. We have a theory about why that is.

One of our biggest blocks to change is our own identity.

As Adaptas continues to work with individuals and groups to facilitate mental wellbeing through effective habit change, we have noticed a trend. It seems that for most people, the main obstacle to successful change is the way they see themselves, or in other words, their identity. To understand this more fully, let’s look at an imaginary individual named Jane.

Jane is serious about her new years resolution this year. She is going to shed her excess weight and start looking after herself. This means healthier eating, regular workouts, and taking up running. For real this time. The problem is, in setting this goal, Jane has not considered how her identity could get in the way. Alongside many other aspects of her identity, Jane sees herself as a person who always puts other people first, who struggles with motivation, and as someone who strongly dislikes running.

Identity is a cognitive shortcut for decision making.

Our brain uses our identity as a cognitive shortcut to speed up decision making. If we see ourselves as someone who is not athletic, then it’s a no-brainer to say no to joining the lunch football team at work. If we are someone who always puts other people first, then it’s a no-brainer to say yes to babysitting our sister’s kid even though we have a zoom workout class to attend. Or, if we are someone who hates running, then it’s a no-brainer to decide we don’t have it in us to run today. Even if we have set a goal to do so.

You can probably see where this is going. Even though Jane is serious about her goals, her identity will continue to “assist” her in making choices that don’t align with her goals. She is likely to prioritize other people and leave herself with little to no energy to exercise or change her eating habits. She is likely to take every moment she doesn’t feel motivated as proof that she isn’t good enough, and she’s likely to avoid choosing to run because someone who hates running doesn’t choose to run very often. As a result of all of this, Jane is not likely to make great progress towards her goals and eventually give up, leaving her feeling frustrated and confused as to why she can’t make these changes happen for herself.

Can we re-learn who we are?

So, the question seems to be – can we unlearn and relearn who we are? This is a step further and deeper than unlearning and relearning information. It involves challenging the very foundations of what we value and know about ourselves. What makes this especially challenging is the fact that unhelpful identities can speak up loudly in their own defence. “You have to put other people first to be a good person!” Proclaims our inner people pleaser. “Running is horrible, I’m saving you from discomfort!” Says our inner running-hater.

Separate. Assess. Shift.

The key is to separate yourself from these identities. They are part of you, but they don’t define you. Carol Dweck’s Growth Mindset tells us it is always possible to change ourselves, if we are willing to apply strategic effort. In this case, this means intentionally deciding on a new identity and effortfully building a relationship with that new identity as you work towards your goal.

If Jane was to do this, she might decide to become the type of person who sees value in putting her needs first more of the time. Or, someone who doesn’t rely on motivation to take action, and who is learning to enjoy running. In doing so, she would start to create a new set of short cuts for her brain. It will begin to seem like a no-brainer to say no when she doesn’t have the time or energy, to stop worrying about her motivation levels, and to choose to get outside and run more often.

We need to practice recognising our identities, understanding how they align or don’t align with our goals, and consciously shifting those identities. If we can do this, then we will be one important step closer to successful change and, as we now know very clearly, change is a key skill for the future.

How Can We Become ‘Brainier’?

Updated July 27th 2023

Has it ever dawned on you that your brain may be the best piece of technology you have?

You might ask whether we have any control over that technology that rests on our shoulders?

The answer is YES.

Brain plasticity, is a term that refers to the brain’s ability to change and adapt as a result of experience. In this technological age we live in, machines have the knowledge and know the facts. It is nevertheless down to how creatively we can use our brains to interpret and use this information to a high-level that drives our success.

This week, my colleague, Dr. Celine Mullins, is speaking at the Learning & Technologies Conference (www.learningtechnologies.co.uk) on the topic ‘Why change isn’t easy and how to help people tackle it’ Celine, together with Brid Nunn (Learning & Development Design Manager, Marks and Spencer Retail) will validate how engaging employees creatively and in a way that the brain best commits to change, makes real business sense. Positive engagement by staff inevitably leads to higher rates of customer satisfaction directly impacting on bottom line sales. Whilst all at the same time, employees are happier too!

This talk will be all about putting the employees and customers in the centre of the action. But how can we put ourselves in the centre of the action everyday? How can we engage our minds to make the best use of this technology available to us? From the latest research in neuropsychology, here are some simple no-nonsense tips:

1. Concentrate on what is working and the motivation will naturally follow When we focus on what is working more than what is not, our brains become positively charged. As a result it is less likely for negativity to set in. The brain finds it tricky to be positive and negative at the same time! When you are in this frame of mind, you will naturally be more motivated to produce really good quality work, and your colleagues and customers will enjoy being around you too. Find out what things trigger you to enjoy yourself more in general, and explore whether you can integrate them into your work in any way. That way you are creating the motivation to become the best version of yourself, inside and out. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy!

2. Bite-sized goals (i.e. chunking down) Why clean the house from top to bottom in one evening and be so wrecked that you are not inspired to do it again for a month? The brain likes good memories of things so when we break goals or jobs into bite-sized pieces, the memory of the ‘job’ is not so bad and we are happy to take on the task again and again.

3. Keep doing it until it becomes habit If you are having fun and chunking things down, new habits (e.g. going to the gym) will become easier to repeat. The more we repeat things and the more we want to repeat things, the more hardwired the new habits become in the brain. I liken this to programming a computer! Using this approach, we are less likely to slip into bad habits again.

4. Keep the self-judgement to a minimum Finally, if you do fall off the bandwagon with a change/new habit, don’t give yourself a hard time. Negative self-chat imprisons you in your own fear and makes it difficult to take action to get back on track again. It also blocks channels in the brain from seeing solutions as it goes into blinkered survival mode. There is always a positive way to reframe a mistake or stumbling block. Just make a decision to love learning and move on! If we are not learning we are dead!

If you have just read this entire blog, you have already begun to use many of the principles of neuroplasticity. You are on your way to becoming a very ‘brainy’ person. Go forth and conquer!

Communication In The Workplace – Not An Easy Task

Updated 11th July 2023

Communication is complicated. Perhaps because we do it so easily and often, we generally do not appreciate just how complicated a process communication is. Without even considering the non-verbal elements of communication, just speaking on its own requires the speaker to perform two cognitively demanding tasks simultaneously: conceptualizing the information to be conveyed, while also formulating a verbal message that is capable of conveying it. The number and complexity of the factors that must be taken into account is dauntingly large (Levelt, 1989).

The level of awareness we need to have to be clear communicators is not something we talk about in everyday life. We take it for granted. The first time many people really start thinking about the complexities in communication is if they attend counselling, or a personal development course or a staff training on communication in the workplace or customer service. People generally leave these courses or events with very little change having taken place in the level of positive and worthwhile communication in the workplace and beyond.

Consider this: The meaning of even the most banal utterance is grounded in a set of fixed assumptions about what the communicators know, believe, feel and think. People experience the world from different vantage points, and each individual’s experience is unique to the particular vantage points he or she occupies. The vantage point all depends on so many factors including, background, experience, knowledge, education, gender to name only a few! To accommodate conflict or variation in perspective, communicators must take each other’s perspectives into account when they speak. As the social psychologist Roger Brown put it, effective communication “… requires that the point of view of the auditor be realistically imagined” (Brown, 1965).

However, the content of another person’s point of view is not always obvious. In his classic studies of childhood egocentrism, the Swiss developmental psychologist, Jean Piaget, demonstrated that the ability to take on another person’s perspectives represents a major milestone in the child’s intellectual development. Young children are unable to detach themselves from their own point of view, and, in effect, seem to assume that the world appears to others as it does to them (Piaget &Inhelder, 1956). This reduces their effectiveness as communicators (Krauss & Glucksberg, 1977). Although adults do better, they are far from perfect, and like children their judgments of others’ perspectives tend to be biased by their own points of view. Under time pressure or when preoccupied, adults are likely to formulate messages that neglect their addressees’ perspectives (Keysar, Barr & Horton, 1998). Moreover, adults perspective-taking efforts display an egocentric bias similar to that found in children.

Furthermore, we rarely are given the opportunity to be told or to receive feedback graciously regarding how our communication is effecting others around us. People may get irritated with us, but even then they are unclear half the time what it is you did that rubbed them up the wrong way. How often do employees wane in their productivity because of lack of comprehension of the task at hand, often because the communicator (their colleague or team lead) has failed to take their perspective. How often do clients and customers just walk away because you didn’t take their perspective on board? Most of the time they won’t tell you either. In fact, they just won’t come back.

Did you know that any conversational speech is produced at a rate of about 2.5 words per second, often in noisy environments and with less than-perfect articulation. Production and comprehension could pose formidable problems for two individuals. Yet participants typically come away from conversations believing they have communicated successfully, and objective evidence probably would indicate that they have. But as stated already it is not this simple, and other people rarely provide us with useful feedback to let us know what we did wrong and what we might do better next time!

Communications skills training is perhaps the most important thing an organisation must consider if it wants its people and its customers to avoid many mistakes that are made in seemingly simple interactions. Getting communication in the workplace correct is inherently difficult as we are not taught elsewhere to be aware of the intricacies of communication and do not appreciate how complicated a process it actually is.

If you would like to have the people in your organisation become more aware of how their communication style is serving or not serving them, contact us and we can discuss how we can help you.

Unleashing Personal Growth: The Power of Experiential Learning

Updated July 5th 2023

Research and theory conducted worldwide on human learning repeatedly indicates there are a range of learning styles. According to psychologist and educational theorist, David Kolb (1984), we all have different preferences in how we learn. Kolb has spent much of his adult life studying adult learning, and has drawn heavily on the work of John Dewey, Kurt Lewin, and Jean Piaget. Most of us are not even aware of what our own learning style is. Any group of people will be made up of individuals with different learning styles, making it difficult for each and every person in a group training to learn effectively. To have a significant impact, training programs should consider individual learning styles.

When learning, some people need to know the facts and figures and models, others need to experience what they are learning about in practice, yet others need to observe others doing what is required, in order to learn. Another way of putting it, is that we all have preferences in the sensory experience of how we learn, some prefer to watch, others to listen, other to feel and experience and others to talk through or be talked through step by step how something works. Either way, whichever way we learn, the most important thing is that once we’ve learnt we need to practice for it to stick long-term. Hence our focus, at Adaptas™, is on finding a mixture between allowing people to observe, to be presented with the models and the facts as we know them, and ultimately all our trainings involve a focus on practicing and ‘doing’ everything that is being learnt about. Our focus, in other words, is on experiential learning.

Experiential learning is the process of making meaning from direct experience. Simply put, experiential learning is learning from experience.

There is a famous saying by Confucius (551-479 BC) “Tell me and I will forget, show me and I may remember, involve me and I will understand”. We at adaptas™ know that ‘involve me’ requires presenting the information in a variety of ways so as to target all learning styles and personalities within one group of people.

When it comes to learning how to effectively communicate, a person could read every book ever published telling them how to be a good communicator. However communication is only necessary when another person if involved, so all the books in the world or traditional classroom learning is never going to be effective in teaching somebody, for example, how to sell or influence customers, or how to work effectively in a team.

Furthermore, we all operate from a place of habits and patterns, most of which are learnt early in life, and which no longer serve us. Yet again most of us are unaware of these patterns, and how many of the patterns are effecting how we interact with everyone; family, friends, colleagues, and customers etc.

Experiential learning engages the learner at a more personal level by addressing the needs and wants of the individual, even when learning as one of a group. By developing people as individuals, rather than simply transferring arbitrary capabilities, we develop people’s confidence, self-esteem, personal strengths, and crucially a rounded sense of purpose and fulfillment, which fundamentally improve attitude, life-balance and emotional well-being. These immensely important outcomes are just as important for sustainable productive work as the essential skills and knowledge typically represented in conventional education and work-related hard skills training.

Experiential learning can be thought of as growing a person from the inside, whereas conventional teaching and training is the transfer of capability into a person from the outside. In work and society most problems stem from people feeling unhappy or being unfulfilled. Conventional training/teaching does little to counter these effects. Individual growth – via experiential learning – offers ways to address personal feelings of confidence, fulfilment, sense of purpose, etc. Experiential learning engages the learner at a more personal level by addressing the needs and wants of the individual. Experiential learning allows one to learn new skills, new attitudes or even entirely new ways of thinking.

Let’s face it; we at Adaptas™ could choose easier ways to deliver training! Conventional approaches to training would require less energy and time in preparation and delivery for us, and likewise, would be less challenging for our trainers and trainees. However, we believe so much in experiential learning at Adaptas™, that we have sought out and brought the most effective approaches to experiential learning and a variety of other psychologically deep reaching techniques together, to create effective interactive training services, which create new habits and patterns in communication. Hopefully you will get to experience the difference with us one day soon.

Understanding the “Self” in Self-Sabotage