How to Bore Friends and Lose Employees

How to Bore Friends and Lose Employees

Updated July 26th 2023

Only a select few can successfully “talk at” others, relying on their charm and storytelling prowess to captivate their audience. However, the majority of us lack such innate abilities, yet we often find ourselves constantly talking at others instead of engaging in meaningful conversations by asking questions and actively listening. True active listening means dedicating genuine attention, not merely waiting for the other person to pause so that we can interject with our own thoughts. Regrettably, this skill of truly listening eludes many of us.

Not knowing how to listen is doing massive damage in organisations: “Not being really listened to by my manager/s” is one of the most common complaints we hear from the people and teams we work with. This is no trite matter. The extent of this is losing people to absenteeism, and more long-term losing them forever to other organisations. When it takes on average 25,000 euro to recruit and train a new person, it is quite incredible to think that we are losing this money spent over something as humanly basic as listening, don’t you think?’

You may be thinking to yourself that the people who say they are not being listened to are just playing the victim, but we see it with our own eyes all the time. People think they are listening to others, but in actual fact they are not!

Research in neuroscience (Spunt, 2013), indicates the presence of two large-scale systems in the human brain that play a major role in successful listening: the putative mirror neuron system, which likely facilitates the relatively automatic perception of the how of speech (i.e., how it is being said); and the so-called mentalizing system, which likely underlies our ability to actively reach conclusions about the why (i.e., why it is being said) of speech behavior. The dynamic interaction of mirroring and mentalizing processes may be pivotal for successful listening and social interaction more generally. Often managers are more focused on the tasks that must be achieved, thinking about their next meeting or worrying about something they can do nothing about, than fully engaging these systems.

Neuroscience has confirmed what we have always known, that there is an important difference between hearing and listening. Neuroscientist Seth Horowitz: “While it might take you a full second to notice something out of the corner of your eye, turn your head toward it, recognise it and respond to it, the same reaction to a new or sudden sound happens at least 10 times as fast.” Horowitz says hearing has evolved as a more essential tool for survival than sight. So we have no excuse. We have the hardware , we just don’t have the focus and we don’t take the time.

However, we humans are not totally at fault. Some would argue that the technological age we live in, where we are constantly looking at screens (computers, iPads, texting on phones) is etching away at our ability to listen. Horowitz says ‘The modern world of sound—and more often, noise—is being overrun by digital distraction and information overload’.

Many managers wonder why their teams aren’t as productive as they might be. In our experience, we see time and time again that when managing performance, as with much of the interacting we do in life, people often “wait to speak” rather than listening attentively and actively. Yet listening tunes our brain to the patterns of our environment faster than any other sense, and paying attention to the nonvisual parts of our world feeds into everything. Our reactions to what we hear are less processed and more instinctive than our reactions to what we see.’ Horowitz describes the auditory sense as the human “alarm system” that operates constantly, even while asleep.

If we truly listen, we can tune into what might be holding a team member back, that small nudge that someone needs to help push them over the finishing line. Ask questions, and listen to the variation in people’s words, and their tone of voice NOW instead of waiting until they are shouting for attention or worse still, they’ve left the building, and you’ll never hear their voice again!

Communication Skills: Listening or Hearing?

Updated July 25th 2023

In business and in life, it is essential to know how to listen properly. When we sense that someone genuinely listens to us, a foundation of trust and respect is built. For managers, neglecting to truly listen to their colleagues’ concerns or issues can severely harm the relationship and, consequently, the organisation. If a customer is not being listened to, we lose them as a customer, and potentially also lose a lot of their own friends and family as customers; word of mouth is powerful!

Recently I have found myself attempting to explain, to previous and prospective clients, many of the new processes we use in our communication skills training.

Many of our processes at Adaptas™ are situational-based tasks, taking the form of pseudo-life scenarios. Some tasks involve observing examples of human behaviour, others require immersion within a situation. All involve ‘doing’ and much self-reflection. Without self-reflection and awareness, no real change can take place in how we feel and behave.

Our processes present participants with tasks carefully crafted to mirror the real-life situations encountered in our workplaces and daily lives. Each process centers around a specific aspect of communication and behaviour, enabling every participant to delve into their comprehension and proficiency in that particular area.

One example of a game-based process called ‘Worldwide Whispers’ tests our ability to listen to other people. The game is not the same as, but is definitely inspired by the game ‘Chinese Whispers’, which many of us played as children.

In ‘Worldwide Whispers,’ participants are immersed in diverse scenarios, putting their listening skills to the test. Success in this game depends entirely on how effectively they can listen. Through this process, individuals gain valuable insights into their genuine listening abilities and identify areas where they can enhance their effectiveness as listeners. Instead of assuming their listening prowess, participants quickly grasp their actual strengths and weaknesses in this crucial skill.

Here are some tips on improving listening skills:

1) Listen to hear the meaning behind what others are saying.
Pay particular attention to nonverbal cues. Emotion expressed nonverbally may be more telling than the words people speak. Focus on tone of voice, pace of speech, facial expressions, and gestures.

2) Be an active listener.
Active listening is a person’s willingness and ability to hear and understand someone else. Active listeners are able to reflect the feelings expressed and summarize what they are hearing. There are several key skills all active listeners share:
-They pay attention to others.
-They hold judgment.
-They reflect by paraphrasing information. They may say something like “What I hear you saying is…”
-They clarify if they don’t understand what was said, like “What are your thoughts on…” or “I don’t quite understand what you are saying, could you repeat that…”
-They summarize, giving a brief restatement on what they just heard.

Also, see a great video on listening skills for leaders:  ‘Why I’m a listener: Amgen CEO Kevin Sharer’