Blog

Updated July 27th 2023

There is more than one way to skin a cat

Did you know that Virginia Satir (famous american family therapist) through her research discovered that there were more than 250 different ways to clean dishes, and that in all cases the dishes got washed equally well in the end?

Story

My friend’s brother recently remarked that she is now 34 years of age, and that he would like to see her becoming more financially independent and for instance, buying a house. He said, “this is not about the money, it is about you committing to something.” She reflected that there could be a good deal of truth in what he said. She ended up feeling that based on the choices she had made in her life, she didn’t measure up to people of her age and age-based achievements. All in all, she had the common feeling of “I’m not good enough!”. In her heart and soul, she knew there were many things she had deeply committed to. Yes, financially these developments may not yet be producing rewards, but in previous years she had found out who she really was, what she loved, valued and desired from her life, and she was clearer than ever of the impact she really wanted to have on the world. In short, other than her brother’s judgement, she felt like a happy little camper; emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically, and with a new business to boot. Committing to the house or a relationship may indeed be a part of the journey, but she should be free to progress through her journey in her own time.

The psychology piece

As family, we think we understand each other. This assumption could be made because we have the same parents, the same genes and the same background. We rarely question whether our family members may want to do things differently to us, and that we may all actually have different expectations from our lives and careers. In light of this, we all have a tendency to assume that we know what’s best for each other. We believe that we truly understand each other’s deepest needs, values and motivations. We unconsciously wrap ourselves up in each other’s identity.

When help and judgment collide

When assumptions and emotions run high, a blurred line can occur between helping and judging. This is because, when providing ‘guidance’ which is often guided by our map of the world, we have a tendency to favor information that confirms our own personal beliefs (confirmation bias) and not always supports the position or beliefs of others.

Our brain’s part in all this

Our brain’s mechanism of making shortcuts to comfortably understand our reality (and cut through information overload) together with high emotions which release the fight or flight hormone adrenaline, can cause a reduction in our peripheral vision and therefore our capacity to see the entire truth (kind of like wearing blinkers). More often than not, this causes our well-meaning intention to ‘help’ to become and be experienced by others as more ‘judgmental’ and not actually all that helpful at all!

Judge less, help more

You see, we are all on our own unique journey, and as we evolve and move forward, we do so in different ways, at different speeds, with different values, motivations and desires. When we can accept this and at the same time take personal responsibility, it leaves lots of room for embracing the truth and good in each person we come in contact with. Understanding and empathy are antidotes to judgment and when we judge less, we help more. Yes Virginia, there are certainly more ways than one to do anything in this life!